Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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