dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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