GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
