So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
