i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
