I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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