Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
