omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
