I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
