We won't sleep together?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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