can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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