I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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