so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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