I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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