On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
