I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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