apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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