while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
