first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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