Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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