if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
no you cant smoke seaweed
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
