Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
