I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
