sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Randomize
