and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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