She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
