from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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