i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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