it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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