I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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