But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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