i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the day after is always just damage control
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
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Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
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So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen