Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.