He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
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You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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