I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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