you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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