she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
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you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
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All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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