Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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