I just cut my nipple shaving
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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