I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
