sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
