The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
