i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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