I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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