I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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