I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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