It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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