I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
