I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
