Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
