Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Randomize
