help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
This girl is more easily done than said...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
