I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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