Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
