textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
